PMO Setup T3 - Tips, Tools, and Techniques

Opposite (noun) / a person, place, or thing that is totally different from or the reverse of something else.     George Costanza's Top 10 Tips for appearing to be a good Project Manager..! Have you ever watched an episode of the TV show Seinfeld? If you have, then you know all about the character George Costanza, played by the comedic genius, Jason Alexander. In the show, George is the consummate loser, a lazy but not unintelligent man. In fact, if George would just spend as much time mastering how to do work well as he does mastering how to avoid work altogether, he would no doubt be a valued asset to any organization. But alas, and as it is, George could never be a good project manager, only fool others into believing it. Here are what would no doubt be George Costanza’s Top 10 Tips for appearing to be a Good Project Manager.    Always walk down the hall with project documents in your hands. Project managers with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings to talk about complex, hard to manage projects. Project managers with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria or maybe slipping out to play a round of golf. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. Use project management scheduling applications to look busy. Any time you use a complex scheduling tool, it looks like better project management to the untrained observer. When you produce all kinds of fancy color coded tracking ganttcharts, you look like a real pro. Never mind that the data is just a bunch of guesses or copy and pasted information from previous project documents. Maintain a very messy desk. Executives can get away with a clean desk, but for the rest of us a clean desk looks like you don’t have enough to do. Set out stacks of project documents and project management schedules around and on top of your desk; go for volume, the higher the stack the better. Bury important project documents. When you know your PMO manager or project sponsor is coming to your cubicle to talk to you about your project, bury the latest status report deeply down in your tallest stack of papers and then rummage for it when he or she arrives. This makes you look like you have a lot of project details and the project plan under control. Never answer your phone, let it go to voice mail. People don’t call you to do your work, they call you to give you work, so screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you that requires you to do extra work, be sure to respond to them during the lunch hour or when you know they are in a meeting. Send yourself enough voicemails to reach your inbox limit so that people can’t even leave you a message. A full mailbox is a sure sign that you are a hardworking project manager busily keeping your project team on their toes. You don’t have to be the first to arrive at work, but when the boss is around you must always leave the office late. You don’t have to actually work, of course. You can play games on your PC or make telephone calls to friends. Always walk past the boss' office on your way out and make sure he or she notices you. When you have important emails about your project to send your boss or project sponsors, always send them at ungodly hours such as 6am in the morning or 11pm the night before. In fact, send an important email out at midnight with a follow up email at 6am. This gives the impression that you manage your project 24x7.   Learn how to sigh. When you are in project team meetings or even meetings with your boss, a loud sigh gives the impression that whatever discussions you are having in the meeting is of little importance to you and all of the more important work that you need to get back to.  Use a dictionary to learn words that nobody else knows and use the latest industry jargon to impress people. Rather than saying software-as-a-service say cloud. Instead of saying project portfolio, say initiatives stratiform. Instead of saying post project audit, say benefits management intervention. The more that people have no idea what you are talking about, the more that they will be impressed with you. Always display a facial expression of impatience and annoyance. Your PMO manager and project sponsors will assume that you are impatient and annoyed because you have so much to do. Hence, they will not give you extra work or ask for extra reports and information. You can practice this with your wife. (Author’s note: I am not being sexist, but these tips are really only for men. There just isn’t a female equivalent to George Costanza.) Naturally, these tips are not recommended for anyone seeking to be a good project manager. But in the spirit of learning what to do by taking a moment to reflect upon what not to do, these tips provide a few pointers. Do the exact opposite of these tips and you just might find tremendous success as a project manager. In fact, that very idea “Opposite George” was one of the TV episodes of the Seinfeld show in which by doing the opposite of his every instinct, George landed a hot girl at the coffee shop and a job at the New York Yankees. Recognizing bad techniques and doing the opposite. Give it a try. And as always, if you have a favorite tip or technique for "What Not To Do", I hope you will take a moment and share them with us.